Movie Review: PIRANHA 3D

One of my friends asked me if the only reason I would go to see Piranha 3D was to write a funny blog post. The answer is no - but this type of film does lend itself well to a good mocking. The real reason I wanted to see this movie was because 1) I love a good (or cheesy) monster flick now and then, and 2) the critical response to this movie has been shockingly positive.

The story, for a movie like this, is actually kind of believable in the realm of "if piranhas really attacked, how could that happen". A small earthquake creates a seismic shift that connects a lake with another underwater lake that is inhabited by prehistoric beasts who have been waiting to be released from their underwater prison. Oh, and they are starving! Of course, this earthquake coincides perfectly with spring break festivities, and of course, this lake just so happens to be where all the Arizona spring breakers go to booze up, strip down, and of course, go swimming. Put all these factors together and well, oh, you can do the math.

Most of the characters we meet are paper thin and there really just to be devoured. There is a mom/sheriff and her children. There is an adult film company similar to Girls Gone Wild. There is a dive team. These people really are second to the fish and as a viewer, I would have liked to care a little more about someone.

I was expecting a high level of gore, but this movie outdid even my expectations. Not only are there brutal deaths caused by piranhas, but people die getting run over by boats, having wires slice their body in half (diagonally for effect of course), getting their heads ripped off when their hair gets caught in propellers, and a variety of other gruesome ends. For a second it felt like I was watching a Saw or Final Destination movie. There is a point where authorities are carrying a wounded girl and she just breaks into two pieces - and I burst out laughing -because while the violence is so over the top and sick, it's so unbelievably hokey.

The next item on the "never take kids anywhere near this movie" list is the nudity. This is where the movie really disappointed me. Yeah, it's spring break, breasts are inevitable now and then. What the filmmakers decided to do though is, after the first twenty minutes, include nudity (both male and female, but primarily female) in almost ever other scene for the rest of the movie. Some of the scenes are long and drawn out and don't forward the story at all. Other moments weren't needed - a bikini would have helped and the scene would have been equally effective.

Overall I cannot in good conscious recommend this movie. There is too much violence, too much nudity, and too much stupidity to really give it a stamp of approval - especially since the less than 90 minute run time will cost you extra as it's in 3D. That being said, I enjoyed the movie far more than I should have, and if you watch the trailer and find yourself curious, you most likely won't be let down. I would give this movie a 5.5 out of 10.